Did you know that we attract people who share our vulnerabilities?

Did you know that we attract people who share our vulnerabilities?

This is the basis of friendship. We choose people who share the real us when our defenses are down. We like people who are like us. We like people who share our vulnerabilities. So what do you think happens when you try to pretend everything is perfect and great, and you have no weaknesses or flaws, and everything about you is amazing? Have you ever known someone who appeared perfect? In fact, those who put that image of perfection out there are the loneliest people, because people have a hard time being with someone who appears to be perfect. Perfection isn’t real. We like people who are flawed and a little bit vulnerable.

If you believe that as long as you have the perfect body, and wear the most amazing clothes, and pretend your life is great, and hide all your flaws, you’ll meet someone who loves you, know that this actually doesn’t work. If you think about the world of internet dating as an example, you’ll see people are obsessed with perfection—the perfect picture, the perfect profile. They even go so far as to have someone write the profile for them, so much so that they become over-perfected, and you know what? Every one of them has missed the point, because we like people who aren’t perfect and have some flaws. Think about it. When you’re looking for a pet and you go to a breeder or the SPCA, aren’t you attracted to the misfit with imperfections, like the mutt with floppy ears and a lopsided grin or the friendly three-legged cat you just have to have?

When you hide your imperfections and flaws, it doesn’t help you become attractive or loveable to other people. You have to be your real authentic self, because everyone else is taken. If you pretend and just show your best side to everyone all the time, then you’ll always have to hide your worst side. How uncomfortable and unreal is that? If you think about it, if you’ve always shown that bubbly unflawed side and then wham, after a year or two your imperfect flawed side slips out, what do you think will happen? You’re much better off letting people see all of you, the real you, than the phony artificial perfection you believe you have to show to the world. Give yourself permission to be you. People love you because you are you.

You also need to be very clear on what you want. If you’re dating, you can’t expect to meet someone who doesn’t want anything serious and change them into someone who wants a long-term committed relationship, because then you’re right back to trying to change the ending. You know all those relationships you keep attracting that all end the same way, attracting that same person who doesn’t give you what you need but just takes, is emotionally detached, and makes you feel not good enough? You can’t change the ending, so change the beginning.

These are real people we’re having relationships with, and you should be asking yourself, are they intelligent, funny? Could you spend the rest of your life with this person? Look for something other than looks, all that superficial perfection. Ask yourself this: What am I looking for in someone I want to spend the rest of my life with? What do I need? If you’re stuck on looks, try living with someone who looks amazing and is always looking at themselves in the mirror.

Be honest and open, and have a little vulnerable edge, but not so much that you’re needy. Seriously, be honest and don’t play games. How many people do you know who stay in the wrong relationship because of the fear of being alone? Maybe this is something you’ve done or are still doing when what you really need is to be okay with being alone with yourself. When you can do that, knowing what a great person you are and discovering how interesting and kind and funny and nice you are, you’ll meet someone, because only then will you understand you’re the kind of person who is worth being with. You recognize your gifts, and then you go out with that air of being loveable. There is love all around you.

Do you know how many women say they can’t find a decent guy? Do you know how many guys say they can’t find a woman who doesn’t play games? Ask these people where they’re looking. If you want to find a guy, go to a car wash on a Saturday, a golf club, a shooting range, someplace where guys hang out, not a reading group with your girlfriends. Go to a business meeting, to conventions. They’re not at your yoga class or shopping or doing what girls do, because guys are guys and girls are girls. Never forget that men are the hunters, and women are the gatherers. A guy may become your good friend, your best friend, but he’s not going to be tagging along with you while you shop and try things on, so don’t ask him to. Go out and find what you want without being desperate, with an absolute belief that you’re loveable. Remember, creating this belief is an inside job, and no one else can prove it to you. Don’t look for friends or that guy or girl to prove to you how lovable you are.

Think about it: All those people you really like, are they not the ones who have that edge of vulnerability and aren’t afraid to show you their flaws? So be that person, because everyone else is taken.

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