Why are women so critical of other women?

We’ve all heard it and likely have thought it: We need to have more women in positions of power. But at the same time, how often are we more critical of women than men?

I know I heard this just recently, and for a minute I had to take a step back, realizing that I have held women to a higher standard than men—and I’m not sure why. Women, especially strong women, have to overcome so much adversity to have a good career, holding their tongues when they are belittled, talked down to, not taken seriously, or passed over for a job simply because they are women. My favorite is to hear that a woman is too emotional to handle a position of authority, because women act on emotion. At the same time, when you have a woman in a position of power, everyone talks about her, points fingers at her, and creates lies about her. For women, it comes down to walking away or fighting back, but fighting back often comes with the repercussions of being labelled “that woman.” It backfires, and people say, “See? She’s too emotional and irrational.” On the other hand, a man is seen as a hero when he fights back, or, if he does something stupid, the issue is downplayed and people say, “Boys will be boys…”

How many times have you heard someone say, “Oh…she’s that woman”? Yet how many of you would say that about a man? People may say that a woman is cold, that they don’t trust her, that she’s hiding something. Those assumptions come from other women, too, because when we see someone putting up a wall, questions arise. What is she hiding? Yeah, she is hiding something. She’s hiding years of hurt from having to compartmentalize and push on, from being belittled, from burying her frustration at hearing that men lead, that men are the champions, not women, from understanding that sexism and racism still very much exist despite what many people tell her otherwise.

I didn’t consciously recognize my bias here until it was pointed out. Then I was like, wow! How come I didn’t see that? I’ve been there so many times myself. A while back, a man commented that I’m too strong minded, too strong willed, because I never cower and go away when a man in a position of power tries to blow me off or belittle me. This type of dismissal was something I encountered endlessly while fighting for basic rights and treatment for my autistic son, from the politicians I wrote to and met with, to the top school officials who wouldn’t get on board with my son’s therapy. But I learned to stand my ground. I had to be unbending and not go quietly into the night.

I am also very aware that I scare many men, because when they see me coming, they know I’m not a woman who will just let it go or be passive, who will allow herself to be blown off or taken advantage of, who will stay in the background—out of sight, out of mind. In fact, a few years back, an older male school administrator told me I would have to sit and wait until he decided whether he would get back to me. He told me I had no say in how my autistic son would be treated and educated in school. Of course, after that, my son didn’t go to school for two years.

There is a game to be played. Men have played it for centuries, but how many women even want to navigate that circus? I heard one woman say that she knew about this game, but she screwed up because she refused to play it. Even when a lie about a woman is disproved, people remember the allegation, the character assassination. It becomes something in the back of their minds. People say there had to be something to it for the allegation to be made to begin with. When enough lies and stereotypes spread, doors close.

Yeah, I’m that woman. I proudly fight for my son’s rights, because who else is going to do it? I had an older gentleman tell me I needed to ease up a bit, to soften up in a man’s world. I laughed over that one, but I understand that men often see women as a threat. Consider that what happens behind the scenes has only ever been run by men, so when a threatening woman comes along, what follows are perfectly placed accusations and lies. You hear that she’s cold, that there’s something about her that you can’t trust. These men don’t like women who are confrontational and who call out bullshit.

The scary thing is that this has gone on for so long that women have been conditioned to take chances. We often put predators in executive positions while crucifying competent but cold women. If you really look at why, sometimes it’s because we’re angry with these women for the same reasons we’re angry with ourselves.

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