My daughter got 99% in one of her classes! In the twelve years she has been in school, this has been her first report card where the teachers actually wrote something personal, positive, and uplifting rather than critical.
I had to read it a second time when she showed me, because the comments were so gracious and were filled with so much respect and love, even going so far as to give her credit for helping to make the class easier for the teacher and pointing out all the ways she brought joy to the class. I actually want to frame the comments.
Now, is this anything new for my daughter? No. She has always been thoughtful, loved school, and been kind to others, but even I’ve come to expect constant criticism from her teachers, what has seemed like them looking for a weakness, something not good enough. This has been the norm when reading her report card after every term. I often wonder if this is what schools expect in our flawed education system, what teachers have been doing for so long that they don’t realize the harm it brings.
Some will say you have to point out weaknesses so students can improve, but they never do so in a constructive way. Many of the comments I’ve read over the years have been generic, as if the teacher put the same thing on everyone’s report card, and sometimes they were cruel to a point, as if trying to grind my daughter into the ground. I remember wondering how teachers could focus on just the negative aspects in those one or two paragraphs, never once mentioning everything good about her, all her strengths, or what she is really good at. A few times, I even had to ask her not to read them.
I’ve taken issue with a few teachers over the years who hated their jobs, and it really came through in how they talked down to the kids. For them, teaching was about just getting through that class for the paycheck and nothing else. My daughter once had a former science teacher for her phys. ed. class, and he focused mostly on making students write essays, because he wasn’t a gym teacher and didn’t know how to run that class. It does happen more than people realize. You have teachers with certain degrees where the only job they can get is to teach something they have no love or qualification for. It would be kind of like hiring a general practitioner as a neurologist.
My daughter is a fitness buff. She pushes herself, she’s always laughing, and she always welcomes the new kid. Like all my kids, she has a job and pays her own way. My kids are independent and make their own decisions. If you’re jumping to the conclusion that she’s an academic star, though, she’d be the first to laugh at you. It’s not like she’s a B or C student, but she does everything well. If she takes a class, she gives it everything even if she’s struggling. This year, for the first time in twelve years, two of her teachers actually recognized that.
From having to navigate it with my eldest son, who has autism, and his consultant, I really saw firsthand how hit or miss the education system is. Every year was a constant battle of trying to reach teachers and change their perspectives. With autism, if you focus on the negative, on being critical of what’s not working rather than being positive toward the successes the student has had, you will make no progress. So why would we do the same to our typical kids?
Likely because this is how it’s been done since the beginning of time. We focus on fear and the negative and what can go wrong, on being critical, on using hurtful words, on pointing out what doesn’t work. Often, the person saying or doing this is operating from a place of fear. Fear of what? Good question. How do you feel when someone is kind and lifts you up with supportive words, being positive and recognizing how hard you work, all the good things you do? How does this compare to the way you feel around someone who can only criticize? Operating from a place of love will get you further and can do so much more for kids. Especially in this life-changing pandemic, the younger generation, our kids, are the ones who have had to sacrifice more than anyone.
My daughter’s report card was a reminder to me that it’s easy to criticize. But let me tell you, those kind words, those very personal, non-generic, uplifting comments pointing out all her strengths, were like a five-star review. That type of report card may have taken only a few minutes to write, but those words lit up her face and her smile, and she will remember them, and so will I, for a lifetime.
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