If you’re white, this may not happen to you, but if you happen to be a person of color, it’s likely happened to you far too often. Have you heard of SWB, shopping while black? Recently, on a trip to buy a dress for my daughter’s graduation, we had to drive to Victoria. We walked into one of the only department stores that carries really nice long dresses, and because of the pandemic, it wasn’t crowded by any means, with only a few people inside. We made our way to the formal dress section, where, by the way, all the gowns were drastically marked down because there are no weddings allowed, and grad is only days away, yet no one is buying them. After a few moments of going through the racks, my daughter seeing dresses she liked, and me realizing how long this would take, I asked her to please grab the ones she liked, and I’d carry them as she looked, and then she could try them on and decide which one to buy.
Now, I don’t like shopping, and spending hours in a store is something I could compare only to having a root canal. I became the one with my arms full of dresses, following behind her while she went through the racks, and next thing I realized—and I don’t know what had me looking over my shoulder—suddenly the store security guy was there. I’m not talking about a guy with the mall security getup. I’m talking about the plainclothes guy you’re not supposed to see, you know, the white guy who’s supposed to blend in. Only he wasn’t even inconspicuous as he followed us around, pretending very badly to slide the clothes on the racks about ten feet behind us wherever we were standing, following us from rack to rack through the store without pulling his gaze. It really was ridiculous as he followed us all the way to the change rooms. If my daughter hadn’t needed the dress so badly, I’d have dumped them all in a pile and left the store, because it became a matter of us having to try not to look at him. It was creepy, and it had me looking in the mirror, trying to figure out why this very creepy man was harassing us and stalking us in the store.
Now, to be clear, I’m white, so this isn’t something that happens to me often. But apparently this was a slow day for him, as I couldn’t see any people of color in the store. It’s sick that people of color often endure this from the moment they walk through the door. Nevertheless, what many don’t understand about white privilege is that it isn’t about having money or power or raising kids who look down on others who have nothing, or about having a silver spoon in your mouth and doors open to everything, or about having access to the kinds of things the average person will never have. It’s about things people take for granted, such as being able to call the police for protection, or having customer service people go above and beyond for you, or being able to call a politician to make sure the dead-end road by your property stays that way—which is something that happens more than people realize.
Let’s face it. The conversation can be difficult because it can trigger responses of “But I’ve suffered discrimination too” or “The haves always look down on the have-nots.” White privilege doesn’t mean you haven’t had to struggle, or haven’t had your rights violated, or haven’t been discriminated against because of what you don’t have, or haven’t had some underhanded crappy thing happen to you because someone else had the power to hurt you, steal from you, or make your life a living hell. It means only that your challenges aren’t related to the color of your skin. It means that being white is similar to being given a head start in life, kind of like a pass to skip to the front of the line. That doesn’t guarantee you’re not going to face a ton of challenges or make it out ahead, or that you won’t still be discriminated against in some way. But being white and looking white comes with being seen as innocent and worthy of protection and safety.
If you’re white, you can live in any neighborhood (if you can afford it) without fearing discrimination or being followed or seen as suspicious when you’re out walking at night. If you’re white, you don’t have to teach your kids that they’ll be judged by the color of their skin. Instead, you have to teach them to open their eyes and see how others who are not white are being seen and treated. It isn’t okay anymore to have blinders on just because it doesn’t happen to you. We may have been taught that everyone is equal in the eyes of justice and freedom, but in reality, that isn’t true. Those on top, those in charge, running things, either have blinders on or don’t want change to happen.
As a white parent, what do you say to your white newly licensed son about driving? Well, for one, white parents normally do not deal with racism or things like the stop and frisk policy, which means that if you look suspicious, the police have the right to stop and frisk you without a reason. I mean, which politician was responsible for creating that law, anyway? For a white parent, talking to your son about driving entails telling him, basically, “Keep both hands on the wheel, keep your music off, don’t speed, and don’t get into or cause an accident, because if you’re irresponsible and drive like an idiot, I’ll take the keys away and you’ll walk instead of driving again until you’re twenty-five.”
Parents of color may say the same, but they have to go much further: “Never have your wallet in your back pocket or in the glove box, because when you’re stopped by the police, you don’t want to be reaching for anything. When you’re stopped, you keep both hands on the wheel where the cop can see them, don’t look the cop in the eye, don’t argue with the cop, and make no sudden moves. When the cop makes you get out of the car and a gun is in your face, you don’t talk back. You get out with your hands outside the car, slowly. You don’t fight him when he cuffs you, and again, no matter what, you don’t mouth off.” Lastly, if you’re white, one of the things you don’t have to worry about when a cop pulls you over is freaking out and worrying about where your passport is so you can prove you’re a citizen.
What about when your kid is just going out for a walk? Well, for a child of color, the warnings are something along the lines of “Don’t wear your hood, and don’t put your hands in your pockets. If you get stopped, don’t run. Put your hands up and don’t make a lot of moves, and if your parent works for someone important, say that.” These are not the kinds of words white parents or parents who look white tell their white kids. What about when your kid is in a store and is followed by store security because she is suspected of stealing, and maybe someone points a finger and accuses her of stealing when she didn’t? Yes, it really happens. When it comes to a kid’s friends, how many parents discuss the importance of knowing who’s going to have your back and who’s going to screw you around, or who you let in your car with you, because if your friend has drugs in your car, guess who’s going to jail? You are.
I think one of the greatest crimes is families raising their kids not to get involved. By this, I mean parents telling their kids not to speak up when they see someone being taken advantage of, having their rights violated, or being hurt or discriminated against. Just recently, there was an incident in the Vancouver area where a group of black kids with an out-of-province plate were reported to be waving a gun outside their vehicle. They were swarmed by police, a lot of police, with guns drawn, and they were cuffed and stuffed into the back of a very hot cop car and left there for quite some time while their car was searched. Two women who were driving by stopped and pulled over and filmed the entire incident and the search, then stayed as witnesses to make sure those kids were okay and stayed okay. They didn’t stop filming when the police asked them to; they stood their ground because that’s where we are now. The kids, of course, were let go, apparently with an apology, because there was no gun. It’s the type of person who would call in that report that I’m trying to get through to. We need everyone to get involved in these situations, to see it, to stop and film it, and to speak up.
White people don’t have to teach their children they will be judged by the color of their skin, and those children do not grow up with that fear. But I’ve heard a few white people shrug off the protests and not understand why they’re happening, when the truth of the matter is that it’s surprising it’s taken us this long to get to the point where protests happen. The only reason it’s being noticed now, and the only reason the media is actually reporting on it now, is because it’s having a direct impact—and that’s a good thing. That means, as I’ve said to my son, you have to turn around and look behind you. You have to open your eyes and really see which doors have been opened for you and closed to those who don’t look like you. Because unfortunately, until outside pressure is applied by people standing up and fighting together, and until the media gives airtime to those fighting for their rights, businesses, law enforcement, and governments will still take advantage, still violate rights and discriminate and refuse refunds, still give preferential treatment.
Not everyone can get involved to fix things in the same way. For you, it may mean donating money to a cause, whereas for someone else it means volunteering time to an organization. For some, it means making sure they’re talking about it and seeing it now, or maybe even joining a protest. It’s not about doing everything for others or fixing people’s individual problems for them. It’s about pointing the way and giving directions so people can do it themselves, and then you back off and let them find their own way.
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