I need you to imagine something for a moment about women. For years and years, it seems there has been a repetitive cycle when it comes to getting women out of abusive relationships. For the most part, women who are living in a cycle of abuse don’t even see it, let alone recognize it is happening to them. The struggle of getting a woman to actually understand that she is neck deep in a relationship with someone who has taken control of her life, her freedom, what she does, and who she sees is as old as time. If this were a family member or friend of yours, someone dear to you, how would you get her to see what was happening to her? How would you get her to open her eyes and see all the signs of power and control of an abusive relationship?
I’m pretty sure every one of us has known people who have found themselves trapped in something, under the control of someone, having handed their power over because they trusted that person at some point. Although it is easy for us on the outside, looking in, to see the signs clearly, those signs are often unclear to the woman living through them. I had a friend whose husband would constantly call the cell phone he bought for her. Whenever she would “lose” the cellphone or dump it in the toilet to get away, he would replace it so he could keep track of her. She was never unavailable for him. If she dared to go out for coffee with friends, he would call and call until she answered, asking, “Where are you? Who are you with? What are you doing?” If she dared not to answer, he would continue to ring and ring until she gave him the details he demanded, because she had given her freedom to him.
But abuse is more than that. The mind is a fragile thing. In an abusive relationship, a man will say to a woman, “You need to stay home. You can’t see your family or your friends. You need to stay here. There are bad people out there, dangerous situations, and I’m the only one who can protect you and keep you safe from that.” But that kind of relationship doesn’t begin all at once. It is always done slowly over time, as with the frog who starts in a pot of cold water and finds the heat turned up slowly, little by little, until it boils to death. The woman reaches a point where she is eventually told that if she wants to leave the house, only when he says she can, she has to follow certain rules, such as wearing a scarf or not wearing low-cut shirts or skirts.
If this were happening to a friend of yours, you’d likely pull her aside and try to get her to see the clear signs of abuse, but how likely would she be to believe you? It becomes almost like Stockholm syndrome, where a captive truly believes her abuser is saving her, becoming emotionally attached, so much so that she will actually defend her abuser, trying to convince people that he’ll keep her safe as long as she does such and such. He restricts her rights, her freedom, and then gives her a little bit so she’s grateful before pulling her back again.
This is the wheel of power, control, and abuse. It starts with making her afraid, either psychologically or physically, which is followed by emotional abuse, making her feel bad, putting her down, making her feel guilty. This is followed by isolation, because an abuser needs to break the bonds a woman has with family and friends, keeping her away from them, forbidding her from touching or seeing them, controlling where she goes, what she watches on TV, what she reads, what information she can access. This in turn is followed by minimizing and blaming, also know as shifting the responsibility for his abusive behavior, saying it’s her fault, making light of it, or telling her she has to make sacrifices or else she is a horrible, awful person.
If there are children, he makes her feel guilty about them or, even worse, uses them by speaking directly to them, turning them against her, getting them to believe lies or relay messages back to her. And he can always threaten to take her children away. He uses privilege by making all the decisions, acting like the master, the one in charge, treating her like a servant, as if she’s not on the same playing field. Rights and freedoms for him but not for her. Then comes the economic abuse, preventing her from getting or keeping a job, taking her money, giving her a monthly allowance if she does what he tells her.
Finally come the threats and coercion, such as having her do illegal things or things she wouldn’t have ever considered before because they would go against her moral beliefs. If she doesn’t, he threatens her, her freedom, or her income. He has now established such a strong psychological hold over her that she looks to him for everything. She can no longer reason and think for herself because she needs his permission for her freedom, which she has handed over to him.
How many of you have ever lived through this or recognize this abuse in someone you know? What many don’t realize is that the cycle of abuse can be tailored and used by anyone on anyone—a parent to his child, an employer to his employee, a landlord to his tenant. It all starts with making someone afraid, isolating her and breaking her bonds with family and friends, not taking her concerns seriously or shifting accountability, making her feel guilty about family, double standards, or economic abuse. Then, as mentioned above, come the coercion and threats.
This tactic is as old as time, and the sad thing is many will never see it happening to them until they’re well in it. Some will wake up, some will listen to friends and family, but unfortunately, some can’t break the cycle and will continue to believe the people holding power over them. Sometimes, you’ll even hear a person say, “I just have to do this one thing and then everything will be okay.” But there will always be a next thing and a next.
